Ok well I'm going back to America tomorrow. I'm sort of done packing and my suitcase looks like it went to an all you can eat clothes buffet.

I have a sneaking suspicion that my clothes have wild, unprotected orgies when I'm not in my room. Because how else do you explain the explosion of clothing I've had since I came back. I didnt shop that much here. They must be breeding. I must remind myself to throw some condoms into my cupboard. Although knowing my luck, they probably membiak secara aseks and I'm doomed to a lifetime of multiplying clothes.

Well, this time when I go back to America, I guess I'm going to find out who's my friend and who isnt. Since I actually need to pull in favours and ask for help. Honestly, I'm really nervous about it. I hate asking people for help.

I'm worried that I'll realise that my friends arent really friends at all. I'm worried that I wont be able to get anyone to help me. I'm worried that my quality of life will go down. I'm worried that since I gota go places on my own and do everything the hard way, I wont have time for my classes. I'm worried my grades will drop. I'm worried I'll lose my drive. I'm worried that my classes wont transfer. I'm worried that I'll spend thanksgiving and christmas alone. I'm worried that something will happen to my family while I'm away. I'm worried that I'll lose touch with the good friends I have here. I'm worried that I'll spend too much money. I'm worried that I wont get the class I want this semester.

I'm really trying to be optimistic about this. I knock on wood, but in Malaysia I seem to get breaks every now and then due to pure dumb luck. But in America I dont feel like I'm so lucky. I feel like in Malaysia things fall into my lap more often than not. In America, everything I get, I really sweated for it. But maybe its not that things fell in my lap. Maybe its that I have friends and family here who help me behind the scenes and it just SEEMS like it fell in my lap. Since its like 10 people working to help me accomplish something rather than just me.

Whatever the reason, its not good.

I think the thing I'm most worried about is the friends part or the being by myself part. Grades, classes, etc, I can work for it. I can push for it. And I will. I mean, not to blow my own trumpet. Ok I'm blowing my own trumpet coz its my blog and I'll play a bloody trumpet orchestra if I want to. I may not be that good or talented. But I was persistent enough to get the powers that be in SJSU to meet and go at loggerheads for an issue I cared about.

But the friends part..Well, I cant control how people are. You can try and bang against a door until your fist bleeds but it doesnt mean the person inside is gonna open the god damned door. I dont know if I've been lucky or what. But I've managed to meet a lot of really good people in Malaysia who I know would come and help me if I asked. And I know people who would come even if I didnt. Even friends I met over this summer holiday and I've known for less than 3 months.

But in America, I cant name anyone who would help me for certain. Without bitching and complaining and begrudging and wanting something in return.