So quite a lot has happened since the last time I wrote. So here it is list form

1) My supervisor is an idiot. He asked why am I doing engineering because he thinks its not suitable for me. He said I should be doing something like fashion design instead. -_-  . What bloody nonsense is that. I hate art. And then when I asked him why he said that. He said its coz I dress up nicely and listen to an mp3 player.

-_-

What the fuck. Whateverla. Bloody siao. Got such thing as engineers dont listen to mp3 player and dress nicely ar.

2) So my friend right. The penis flasher from America with a lot to flash. He said that he went to SF to this orgy place. Like its a club..but for swingers. There's all kinds of themed rooms and bowls of condoms, dental dams, diaphragms, lube. Anyway, he told that story to me, DimSum and roomie. (ugh Dimsum).

Dimsum later calls me.

DS: I'm in SF watching ..... concert.

Me: Ok.

DS: WITH PEOPLE.

Me: Ok. (Duh right. Who the fuck goes to watch concerts alone)

DS: That's why I couldnt hang out with you today. (LIKE I'M SO FUCKING TORN UP ABOUT IT???)

Whatever. And then he comes and talks to me online. And he's like oh you know that club penis flasher told us about? Yeah I want to go there and take a look. You should come with me.

EWWWW. I do not fucking wana go to a swingers club with HIM. HELLO.. fucking gross. If I had to see him get a stiffy I'd have to go take pepper spray and spray the whole fucking bottle in my eyes and then gouge them out with a fork.

3) I actually went and did all my shopping by myself and carried all that shit back. I unpacked my stuff. I'm so proud of myself. Hahaha. Nah. But the thing thats worth mentioning is that I bought superglue. And they checked my ID. Damn dumb. Scared I'm gona go sniff one bloody 2 inch tube of super glue and get high.

And I take back everything bad I said about HKFui. He was SOO nice ok. Everyone else abandoned me and Roomie and couldnt come to help us take the stuff out of storage. This stupid mch Malaysian fella. He asked darshini to bring 10 kilos worth of stuff. And in exchange he's supposed to help us get the stuff out of storage. Fucker ffk and refuse to answer calls or call back until like after we got all the stuff out. Fucking sorhai. I told Roomie to go and charge him for it. Just say all his stuff was excess weight and get him to pay.

Anyway back to HKFui. He came and rearranged his schedule to help me take out all the stuff. And then he went back and forth 3 times to the warehouse. And carried everything down practically by himself. Coz I wasnt strong enough to lift like 3/4 of the things. They were fucking heavy. Anyway damn onla. It was seriously like..god sent help or something. I really needed itla

Hello hello. I'm back in sunny California.

So I was flying back on the plane right. And it wasnt so bad coz Roomie was with me and all. But on the second flight from Taipei to San Francisco, this weird Taiwanese American man was sitting next to me. I picked seats before the flight but they changed aircraft.

Anyway, this man is 48 years old and bald on the top of his head. Not dressed very well. Looks like the guy from Kung Fu Hustle who was in the final showdown with Steven Chow. He didnt talk to me for the whole flight until the last two hours. Suddenly he started talking to me. At first I was just like, ok, old guy trying to talk to me and give advice or whatever. And then he started boasting about his million dollar business deals, his jewellery business, his connections. He said he knows Joseph Estrada and Nancy Pelosi and all. Yah ok whatever. And then he said that his ex wife was 19 years old when he married her. Ok weird. And then he mentioned oh you guys should go to some hot springs spa. Ok weirder.

And then he asked me if I want to stay overnight at his house and he'll drive me back the next day. Thats fucking weird.

WHYLA WHY I GET ALL THESE WEIRDOS. I know my face very yilai but dont need to be so suay to get all these kind of people right.

Both flights were delayed about 40 minutes. By the time I got back to college it was already 11pm. And then this stupid girl who checked us in, she saw us dragging like 8 pieces of baggage in. And we were having so much trouble doing it and holding the door while she stood behind with her arms crossed. After we managed to pull all the crap in then she said, "Do you need help?"

Yah like 10 minutes ago.

Stupid, stupid cow. So that was my journey back.

I leave for the airport in less than 8 hours and I fly in less than 11.

I keep feeling like I forgot to pack something. And instead of unpacking everything to check if I packed it, I'm going through my room inch by inch. Its easier than unpacking coz it would be like unravelling your intestines then trying to stuff them back in through your asshole. Anyway I rarely leave my stuff outside my room.

Last year when I went back I was with Sushi. And I was super emo. It's weird because it shouldve been easier last year. Since I had a boyfriend to be all supportive and comforting. But I'm a lot calmer this year.

Everything about leaving this time is harder if you look at the bare facts. It's the last time I'm leaving home as a student/dependent. My parents arent visiting this time. It's the longest I'm going to go without seeing them. I dont have any safety net (aka Sushi). But yeah, I'm a lot calmer right now than I was at the same time last year.

I think its because last year I really felt like I wasnt going to come back to Malaysia. And this year, I really feel like I'm definetely coming back someday.  

Here's the story of HKFui. He's part of the reason I'm so paranoid about not having people to help me out.

I met him at this Engineering open house thing. I was the only female student representative for civil so the dean asked me to go up and talk about my experience. I had no idea what the fuck to say coz I dont feel as if my experience was any different from a guy's experience. So thats what I said. They treat everyone the same. Anyway, I mentioned I was an international student and he was from HK so he spoke to me after I was done talking.

I realised he was in my structural analysis class so we talked online a fair bit. It was a bit weird coz he has a girlfriend he like, LOVES so much from UC Berkeley. But he'll come and say you're one of the best looking girls in class. Good thing I didnt meet you before you broke up with your bf or you'll never have met him. If you're feeling hot then my body should be cold so I can come cool you down. Crap like that.

Ok whatever. I take it as a joke. No problem. But really, if you wana joke with a girl about things like that. And you have a gf. You gota really EXAGGERATE it so its obvious its mutual mocking.

Anyway, so we got quite close since, you know, we're both not American so we got a lot in common to talk about. Bond over our rare international civil engr student status.

His English isnt very good so I often proofread his papers. It's no big deal when its one paper every month or so. But he sends like 4-5 papers, each of them like 8-9 pages. And then I gota slowly go through them and correct them one by one. It's easy when its good English. But for HIS english? It takes like half an hour to do one paper properly. He even asked me to write one of his papers once. And another time he gave me attitude coz I didnt look like I was in the mood to correct his paper.

Thats still ok. I mean most of the time he's a nice guy and we get along. I understand being anxious about classes and panicking about your grade. He's also a good student, GPA matches mine. But lately he's been taking it kinda far.

Over summer he's been trying to go for interviews to get an internship etc. He'll ONLY talk to me now if he wants something. He wants to go over interview questions. He wants to ask me how to use Autocad. He wants me to check his resume. He wants me to I dont knowla. Virtual suck cock for confidence or what shit.

All that also still ok. As a friend, obviously I should help you out. But its a complete one way street ok. I asked him to look over my resume and guess what he said. "No dude, I'm playing games and the file transfer will make my connection slow." Whatever.

We're supposed to be good friends right, wtf. Now suddenly you ONLY wana talk to me when you need my "english skills" or something? And I ask him why dont you ask your AMERICAN girlfriend for help. He said oh she's too busy. Like I'm damn free.

On top of all that when I ask him how was the interview or whatever. And it didnt turn out well, he'll like make snarky comments like its my fault or something. And he keeps making jokes about how I'm fat. I guess when compared to HK stickgirls. Once or twice okla. Not every fucking conversation. Whateverla.

I help him so bloody much and he cant take 3 minutes to pause his stupid game to look at my resume? What kind of friend is that.

Fucking gay. 

Swoosh, I still love you the most. Coz after I asked him that, I asked you about my resume. And you didnt just read and casually comment. You really thought about it and even redid a bunch of stuff for me. But you just had to go rendezvous with the Jews. Haha. Love ya sugar.

Ok well I'm going back to America tomorrow. I'm sort of done packing and my suitcase looks like it went to an all you can eat clothes buffet.

I have a sneaking suspicion that my clothes have wild, unprotected orgies when I'm not in my room. Because how else do you explain the explosion of clothing I've had since I came back. I didnt shop that much here. They must be breeding. I must remind myself to throw some condoms into my cupboard. Although knowing my luck, they probably membiak secara aseks and I'm doomed to a lifetime of multiplying clothes.

Well, this time when I go back to America, I guess I'm going to find out who's my friend and who isnt. Since I actually need to pull in favours and ask for help. Honestly, I'm really nervous about it. I hate asking people for help.

I'm worried that I'll realise that my friends arent really friends at all. I'm worried that I wont be able to get anyone to help me. I'm worried that my quality of life will go down. I'm worried that since I gota go places on my own and do everything the hard way, I wont have time for my classes. I'm worried my grades will drop. I'm worried I'll lose my drive. I'm worried that my classes wont transfer. I'm worried that I'll spend thanksgiving and christmas alone. I'm worried that something will happen to my family while I'm away. I'm worried that I'll lose touch with the good friends I have here. I'm worried that I'll spend too much money. I'm worried that I wont get the class I want this semester.

I'm really trying to be optimistic about this. I knock on wood, but in Malaysia I seem to get breaks every now and then due to pure dumb luck. But in America I dont feel like I'm so lucky. I feel like in Malaysia things fall into my lap more often than not. In America, everything I get, I really sweated for it. But maybe its not that things fell in my lap. Maybe its that I have friends and family here who help me behind the scenes and it just SEEMS like it fell in my lap. Since its like 10 people working to help me accomplish something rather than just me.

Whatever the reason, its not good.

I think the thing I'm most worried about is the friends part or the being by myself part. Grades, classes, etc, I can work for it. I can push for it. And I will. I mean, not to blow my own trumpet. Ok I'm blowing my own trumpet coz its my blog and I'll play a bloody trumpet orchestra if I want to. I may not be that good or talented. But I was persistent enough to get the powers that be in SJSU to meet and go at loggerheads for an issue I cared about.

But the friends part..Well, I cant control how people are. You can try and bang against a door until your fist bleeds but it doesnt mean the person inside is gonna open the god damned door. I dont know if I've been lucky or what. But I've managed to meet a lot of really good people in Malaysia who I know would come and help me if I asked. And I know people who would come even if I didnt. Even friends I met over this summer holiday and I've known for less than 3 months.

But in America, I cant name anyone who would help me for certain. Without bitching and complaining and begrudging and wanting something in return.

It's so sad how people get so lonely.

This guy has been messaging me on Friendster for about a month or two. He does it every week and I have no idea who he is.

It would be weird if he was stalkerish and kept making sexual comments or asking me to add him. But he doesnt. He didnt add me even though my email is there. He didnt ask to meet up. He didnt even ask me to reply. All he does is send me messages about his life and what he's up to. Like I'm his friend. He's a 30 year old Chinese guy who's down on his luck and I guess..has no friends. And he's that lonely that he messages someone he doesnt know on friendster every few days. Even though I never reply him or even give any indication that I've read his messages.

Even that dimsum fella. I still cant figure out if he's just highly socially awkward or if he's just so lonely that it makes him weird.

Yesterday he asked me to call him when I get back to America and I gave him all kinds of half arsed excuses. I have no phone. My roomate's phone plan lapsed. (It didnt). I dont know when I'll get out of customs.

Yah yah I feel guilty for being so mean. But he was like..YAY YOU'RE COMING BACK. And when I said I didnt want to come back, he said ILL HUG YOU WHEN YOU COME BACK. Like urk. No thanks. I refuse to be traumatised further on top of being homesick. But you gotta be THAT lonely to keep stalking this girl you barely know and tell her all kinds of stupid details about your life. Or maybe its just the way he tells me.

"Hi! I found some drinking buddies today! We did Irish carbombs!"

"Oh really. Who?"

"Some guys who used to stay at my place and got kicked out for drinking too much."

Like ok..and? Your life has gota be that boring that going out and drinking Irish carbombs are worth mentioning to a friend you dont know that well.

So I was looking through my computer files to reorganise them. I hate to admit it but I am a neat freak when it comes to my computer files.

My room can be a disaster area and I'll be damned if I know where my hairbrush is. A lot of the time my floor doubles as wardrobe, bookcase, and laundry basket space. But name me a file, any file, and I'LL KNOW WHERE IT IS. Or at least be able to find it in 2 attempts or  less.

Since most things in my computer are neatly tucked in its respective folder, subfolder, or subsubfolder, I also know what every file is. Anyway, I came across this video file labeled DSCNsomenumber. All the photos and videos taken with my camera are DSCNsomenumber. I thought it was just a video of my American Studies lecturer I took awhile ago coz he acts so hyper.

I was sadly mistaken.

I opened the video file to find a skinny naked not hot chinese girl lying on a twin bed in a dimly lit room. Looks like a hotel. And some skinny naked chinese guy running across the room eagerly to position himself in between her legs.

WHAT THE FUCK?? Did someone like...borrow my camera when I wasnt looking to go film kinky sex scenes?

I try to stare at her face and figure out who the crap it is. It's obviously not downloaded porn since the file name is like its right off the camera. The picture is so blurry that I give up trying to stare at her face. Instead, I grab a pair of headphones to see if they call out names in Cantonese or something. Turns out they weren't calling names but they were using Mandarin.

From that experience I learnt a very important lesson. I learnt that you cannot recognise someone's voice from high pitched panting, moaning and mumbled instructions on the next position to use.

Finally, I remember. My friend sent me this video of ahem..an acquaintance that somehow slipped out almost 2 years ago. And when she sent it to me I just kinda scrolled through briefly, chuckled to myself and closed it. And somehow I never deleted it and its been sitting on my computer disguised as an American Studies lecture video.

SURPRISE!!!!

There can be nothing more depressing than having to pack up the remnants of your childhood in to cheap plastic boxes from Carrefour.

I leave Malaysia in 5 days. And should I decide to work and live in America, this is the last time I will be leaving home with it REALLY being home. In the future, when I come back, I will be a guest in a guest room.

As I sort through my things, I look at old photos and keepsakes. Most of the things in my room now are just keepsakes. Everything practical like clothes I need or books are all in America or in the luggage I never unpacked when I came back home.

Some things that used to be important are no longer important. Things I used to like, I am no longer fond of. Everytime I sort through my bookcase, it is an indicator of change and growing up. 

The first time I felt startled by it was when I was in secondary school. I used to love reading all those stupid, sexist Enid Blyton books. Of course I never realised how sexist they really were. You could never tear me away from books when I was younger. I'd read during dinner, in the shower. I had a book bag just for carrying one storybook around wherever I went. I swear I loved those stupid books. Then I read them again and they were so stupid. So I threw them all away.

I sorted through my bookcase again a few days ago. I threw away all those R.L.Stine books and Sweet Valley books. I saved one about cheerleading coz I'm nostalgic. It's what got me on to cheer in the first place. I threw away all my Judy Blume and Paula Danzinger books. I kept one coz my grandparents gave it to me and its the only thing i have with my grandfather's handwriting in it. I threw away all my stupid kids books ages ago. But until now I keep one book. Friends are Forever by Hans Wilhelm. It's one of those illustrated books with half an A4 page of text. But I keep it coz the illustrations are really good.

I have cases and cases of stuffed animals. Some my parents bought for me. Some my ex bfs bought for me. Some my friends bought for me. And I just cant get myself to throw them away. It's quite ridiculous seeing the room of a 21 year old full of every species of stuffed animal imaginable.

There are a lot of things in my room that I keep but never look at. Expensive jewellery my ex gave me. The old chewed up frisbee my dog used to eat out of. The gold pendant my dad bought me in Spain. The newspaper clippings with my photo in it. The Chinese New Year card my friend gave me full of inside jokes that make me laugh.

I throw some things away. I keep some. My drawers and cupboards get progressively emptier. And as the clock ticks it just gets closer and closer to the date when I really leave home for the last time.

I'm supposed to be an adult but I just want to stay here with my stupid stuffed toys and never outgrow Enid Blyton books.

Age is catching up with me. Yah yah whatever I'm only 21. But seriously it is. Here's the proof.

1) My metabolism isnt as high as it used to be.

I used to be able to eat a large McDonalds value meal plus nuggets and then eat cake later several times a week and not gain weight. Now, I eat a burger and fries and I can feel the lump of fat on my hips getting larger. On the bright side, I actually have an ass now and I went up a cup size. On the down side, I look more and more pregnant everyday.

2) I'm a lot less daring than I used to be.

Oh the stupid things I used to do when I was still ____teen. Stupid things like wear disgustingly slutty clothes to parade around in questionable areas. Make friends with Indian machas of questionable morals in Pudu. Walk around in dark areas alone at 3am in the morning just coz I wana smoke and chill. Simply meet up with guys I just met and go hang out. Sneak out of the house to go clubbing.

Now, I dont even feel comfortable wearing a super short skirt to the mall or a spag to walk around Subang. I'm not making friends with shady people who go on and on about having RESPECT for their machas. I'm not going to walk around in an alleyway alone at 12pm. The tales of Rophynol and date rape have scared me off talking to guys I dont know. And I'm too god damned lazy to go out clubbing. I feel the effort of getting dressed and driving out is too much effort let alone having to climb over the gate to do it.

3) Seriously lowered sex drive.

As unladylike as the topic is..its true. And I've talked to a friend and apparently its the same way for her and all her friends too. Its quite sad really. In the past, I'd read stories about how people's relationships go stale and wives go oh I have a headache. Stories about how after the 1st year of marriage you dont really do it anymore. And I'd be like WTF? I will never do such a thing. Coz if I'm attracted to the person I marry, there is no way our sex life will be boring. Because I am an ANIMAL IN BED. Haha. No, but you get the idea.

Now, I'm like, I dont care if I get any sugar or not. If I see some hot guy, I'm like oo hot guy. Tasty. And then I dont really bother. If someone calls me for a booty call or whatever, I'm too lazy to do anything. Like you gota shave and wax and what nonsense to get ready for it. Way too much effort. I'm never in the mood anymore. And nothing and no one puts me in the mood. Libido just turned off like a flick of a switch. I just really hope it doesnt stay that way coz its nice to be enthusiastic about something.

Anyway wtfla I go on a date all and the guy is damn hot and shit but I seriously just no mood so I starfish there on the bed ar? Or I just keep saying I got period la, I got headache la, I got insert STD name here la...fucking potong stim right.

Aiyah I'm just old already la. Someone find me some fountain of youth or some shit please. Kthnxbye.

Terrorists have terrible timing.

I was reading the paper today when I noticed a story about some Malaysian getting charged for having terror links in America. Oh great. I read further and see that the guy lives in California. Even better. He is a U.S. permanent resident and works in Sunnyvale. Mother Fucker. He is a test engineer for a company that deals with U.S. government contracts. This is not looking good for me or any other foreign engineer. The fucker lives in SAN JOSE. God damn it. The fucker used MALAY to send emails about terrorist activities.

Wonderful la. This is just wonderful.

Thanks a lot  you stupid bitch mch Rahmat Abdul Hir. You couldnt have been sneakier/smarter so they found you out later? Couldnt you at least wait until all the Malaysian students fly back for Fall semester BEFORE getting charged? Oh must wait till we're all ABOUT to fly back and then do something. Stupid pig.

Now thanks to you I might get stopped at the airport, get my bags searched. Knowing the dumbness of Americans if they hear me speak Malay they may think I'm a terrorist sympathiser or some shit. And I doubt I can explain the whole race relation history of Malaysia before they strip me and do a cavity search. Plus they may come up with some law saying any company that deals with U.S. government contracts cant hire non Americans.

Thanks. You stupid son of a bitch.