Things I'm going to miss about Malaysia.

I'm going to miss mixing 3-4 languages in one sentence.

I'm going to miss people actually understanding my 3-4 language sentence.

I'm going to miss how "Bangsar Bitch" is totally its own style here.

I'm going to miss all the pirated DVDs and computer software.

I'm going to miss how easily I make friends.

I'm going to miss how people here think I'm not 100% Chinese.

I'm going to miss how even superficial friends can understand my point of view so easily. Lengthy explanations not required.

I'm going to miss all the food thats disgustingly filthy and would light up like a Christmas tree if you did some petri dish bacteria test. But tastes so fucking awesome the diarrhea is worth it.

I'm going to miss the lack of round teapots acting like they're the shit.

I'm going to miss my not having to hear people say stuff like, "HOLLA!!", "LET'S BOUNCE!", "WHY HE ACTING ALL HARD?" etc insert ghetto phrase here.

I'm going to miss having a whole phonebook of people to call if I need help.

I'm going to miss my double decker bed and noisy aircon.

I'm going to miss my LCD screen tv.

I'm going to miss my hairdresser at Above salon (opposite the SS15 wet market) who charges me RM45 for a 3 hour haircut, wash and style.

I'm really really going to miss my roti pisang, pork mee, char kuay teow, claypot chicken rice, and roast chicken rice. I dont feel like I ate all these things enough times yet.

I'm going to miss a lot of things. The list is endless and full of stuff that seems trivial. But you know what I'm really going to miss most?

I'm going to miss not feeling out of place and different all the time.

I will be returning to America in about 12 days time so all sorts of issues are popping up.

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Firstly, I'm freaking terrified that I'm gona fail my summer courses.

I slacked off horribly the entire semester because the grade doesnt transfer over. Just the course. So honestly, I think I was overconfident.

And yeah, I think I fucked up on my finals for Linear Algebra and fucked up generally on the course for circuits. If I pass, it will be cutting it very close.

I haven't come this close to screwing up for like 2/3rds of my classes for a really really long time. In fact, in general I've been doing quite well. I was so looking forward to a summer holiday and trying to make it a good one that I lost focus. I kept thinking oh no need to study so much. Grade doesnt transfer. And then all my friends are like seriously slacking around and having a proper holiday.

I havent had a proper holiday in ages. And this is my last summer holiday. Assuming I didnt fucking fail everything. I just cant believe myself that I'm only realising how important these stupid summer courses really were. Again with the feeling of sinking regret.

There is one good thing I see out of this. I was worried that I would be overconfident when I start my American classes. Since I did quite well last few semesters, I felt that if I had social things or club things, I would neglect studies thinking,"Yeah I can do it." Because I've forgotten how fucked up it is to feel upset that you messed up. So since now I remember, I really never wana screw up again. I dont wana feel this feeling again. And I think this feeling should last me till I graduate. If I manage to graduate next year. God help me pass.

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Second thing I'm terrified about is how I'm going to cope there post Sushi

Most of the time I spent in America, I spent attached to Sushi. And the entire time I spent in the apartments, I was with Sushi. This means that I had constant access to a car and an extra pair of hands.

Really the main reason I stuck with him for so long was because I was so afraid that I wouldnt be able to cope without him. He took me to buy groceries. He took me to do my banking. He took me to the post office. He brought me to shopping malls and my bestest buddy the Malaysian restaurant on De Anza Boulevard. He cut the raw meat for meals. I hate cutting raw meat. He did the dishes. He bought food when I had exams. He carried anything heavy. He did a lot of things for me.

But it was the fair thing to do to end it. I mean, you dont want your girlfriend hanging around just coz she's afraid of being independent right. I wanted to see if I could stand on my own and make sure I wasnt just hanging around coz he had a car and helped me do things.

Turns out I was hanging around coz he had a car and helped me do things. I never miss him except for when I think about something I have to do. And how difficult its gona be without an American/car/driver.

So yeah, I dont even know how I'm gona get laundry detergent now. Plus I have a feeling that I'm gona be missing some of my stuff when I get back. My "friend" Bitch is being bitchier than usual and so I've one less friend now. And Sushi doesnt even wana talk to me or pick up my calls or anything now so I dont know how I'm gona ask for my things back. And will they be careful with my things now that I'm not friends with them anymore? I doubt it. And if some of my things are broken, its not stuff thats replacable. They're really precious keepsakes with a lot of emotional value.

I dont even know how I'm gona be able to get all my stuff back home from the fucking warehouse.

I hate feeling helpless.

==

Third thing, I'm afraid of how upset I'm gona feel about leaving home.

It's stupid to feel afraid of being sad. It's not really afraid, its more like I'm dreading the depression. Since I know its gona come. The thing I'm really dreading is the last night I'll spend here.

Never mistake dissent for disloyalty. As much as I bash on Malaysian politics and Malaysian policies, this stupid country grows on you. It's like some fucking gay parasite where it sucks all your opportunities and optimism yet makes you really sad to leave it. Fucking Stockholm syndrome is what it is.

Fuck you malaysia and your stupid stockholm syndrom infliction.

You know what. I pity all you people. Yes all you people reading my blog.

Why?

Because I am so bored and lifeless...and I am so full of myself...and I am so obsessed with writing...and I seriously got nothing else that entertains me more..that I have written 40 pages of text already. From June 11th to today. That's just a month and a half. And I have 40 pages of text.

I know this because I have a backup of each entry pasted in Word and 1 copy saved in my laptop and another copy saved in my external hard drive.  I've also been backing up my old blog into Word. I did about 4 months worth of entries and I have 153 pages so far. And still another year's worth of entries to go.

Yes, I know I very bohliao.

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I've lived in 3 countries so far. America, Australia and obviously Malaysia. And in each place, I've had a completely different persona, image or character.

I have geographically related multiple personality disorder.

Image/Persona

Malaysia:- People think I'm scary. Or bitchy. Or slutty. Or a stupid bimbo. Or some ice queen from hell. Usually a combination of the above. Some people are actually too afraid to come to talk to me and have to drag their friends along for moral support. I get picked for leadership positions because I guess some people think my bitchiness is suitable for kicking ass. And I actually get recognised on the street.

Australia:- People think I'm cute or something. Serious. No joke. Just some small little Asian girl who has a thing for carrying around this purple platypus. And who always skips class, gets up at 6pm and spends her waking hours around the poker table. Also known as the super bubbly cheerleader of Ihouse. WHO KICKS ASS at poker. Known to be very noisy at night.

America:- I dont think people think anything of me at all. The school is so big and there are so many faces I just blend in. Plus in Malaysia, I kinda try to dress nice and stuff to stand out. Here, I live on campus so malasla. So my image here is...invisible. Honor society member/officer.

Reactions

Example:

Scenario 1:- Tilia goes clubbing with friends

Malaysia :- Tilia dresses up in a sexy bordering on hoed out outfit with heels and piles of earth toned makeup. Tilia also carries a handbag and has to deal with it all night. She might dance with friends in a stiff, uncomfortable way because unfortunately people recognise her and she doesnt want to look like a flailing retard. Tilia just has a drink or two partly because drinks are horribly overpriced in Malaysia and partly because they suck.

Australia:- Tilia dresses like a HO because everyone else is all hoed out so in comparison she's not that hoey anyway. She totally ruins the ho outfit by wearing sneakers with it because she's not walking all the way from Glassy's to Ihouse in heels. Makeup...heh heh..let's just say there was an embarassing phase of karaoke night club hostess makeup. She blames the white cheerleader's influence. Tilia stuffs all her personal items in bf's/random guy's pocket and dances like a stripper. Coz the club is so crowded who the fuck cares. Tilia has way too much to drink and ends up getting red, splotchy, and develops bloodshot eyes. Eventually, Tilia falls asleep in friend's living room after eating a bowl of maggi mee.

America:-Tilia doesnt give a shit about how she dresses because for some reason Tilia always clubs in shitty weather in America. And also because Tilia has to WALK to the bloody clubs and while bar hopping at like 2am so its fucking cold. So Tilia wears jeans, jacket, sneakers, or fake Ugg boots. Makeup is done favouring the super dark eyeshadow style that turns into raccoon style after sweaty dancing. Tilia generally dances quite normally. Tilia either gives her stuff to roomate to hold on to or she stuffs two pieces of plastic into her jeans pocket. Tilia doesnt drink at all in America coz the drinks are so bloody strong she doesnt wana get raped while walking home. Also coz Tilia learnt her lesson about drinking too much while in Australia.

Scenario 2:- Tilia on the phone with stupid bank helpline operator.

Malaysia :- Tilia's voice gets louder and louder. Tilia starts passing extremely sarcarstic remarks. Tilia shouts at operator for being an incompetent rhinoceros and demands to speak to the rhinoceros' supervisor. When the supervisor comes on, Tilia shouts somemore until the supervisor ignores the Endangered Species Act and shoots rhinoceros to death.

Australia:- Tilia tries to remain patient for about 5 minutes. Tilia gets very snappy. Not loud but very very snappy. The anger and impatience eats away slowly at Tilia's sanity. Eventually Tilia loses it and starts throwing tantrum like an irate banshee. The tantrum usually involves some comment about being dropped on the head. Also various comments about speed like, a tortoise could have delivered all Santa's presents and come back by the time you finished.

America:- Tilia does not shout. Tilia does not snap. Tilia does not make sarcarstic comments. Tilia speaks nicely in a controlled manner and sympathises with the stupid rhinocerous about the red tape. Tilia does ask a lot of questions feigning stupidity so that the rhinoceros will hopefully see realise the stupidity of the situation via the Socratic method. Socratic method usually does not work as it is obviously not meant for rhinoceroses.

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It's difficult to explain the personality switches. Those situations are just little snippets of roughly how differently I behave. And its not that I'm older now that I'm in America or whatever. When I come back to Malaysia for holiday, the personality shift occurs. And then when I go back to America for school, the personality shifts again.

It cant be the age thing coz its just a matter of 2 months. And its not like I'm putting on an act in a certain place. This behaviour all comes naturally. It must just be the way people treat me that causes the shift. The being visible and perceived a certain way as opposed to being invisible and having a blank slate in regards to your identity.

I'm ok with it happening really. It's just that when I get into a relationshp or I have a close friend, I always think, "You dont really know me." Because they have to know all of me in all the places. If not they're only seeing what society is making them see.

JESSICA!! STOP ROTTING IN UKRAINE!!

Or at the very least come to America after you're done with your Ukrainian degree. Dont sit in Ukraine with all these Malay boys fantasizing about you all. And when you come to US as a student you dont have to go through all these anal probing in clinics with the curtains open.

Come to California and we can hang out at Toons, the bar of the ghetto sluts and laugh at people. We'll go shopping for cheap ass clothes that someone's friends will sneer at. Or  we can just look for nice tops with a letter G on it and tell them its from Guess. If all else fails, Dimsum provides ample entertainment and fodder for mocking.

But seriously, come to California. We're just so much cooler than all these Russian speaking people.

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CHEWY!!! DITCH BRISBANE FOR CALI!!

Brisbane is totally the plebeian imitagion of California. We are the original home of surf and sunshine. I dont include Hawaii coz..its Hawaii..

We can hang out at the engineering building (plus we got a great excuse for doing so) and perve at Draco Malfoy lookalikes. We can lounge around alluring together in the honor society clubrooms. Drape ourselves seductively over the couches giving out justifiable rape looks. If not Stanford is just 10 minutes away. We can drape ourselves outside the new engineering research center they just built. Rich plus brainy eh eh.

But seriously, come to California. You'll get way more action.

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CYNTHIA!!!! SCREW OSK INVESTMENT!!!

Even waiting tables pays more in California. If you want we can try to look for lala people who shuffle so you can sell your phats to them at USD prices.

Of course we can also sit at the Taiwanese bubble tea place opposite my university and make inflammatory comments about everyone who passes by. We can sit outside the event center the next time some emo band like Fall Out Boy comes to play. Together, we could have a grand time mocking the pasty makeup and the teardrops drawn with eyeliner.

But seriously, come to California. You dont wana eat lunch with Ah Bengs at OSK everyday do you?

JO HONG....COME TO CALIFORNIA...

I dont want all these sushimarobears. Come be my Californian soul mate!!!

I'll run my fingers over your mohawk and gaze into your eyes while whispering in your ear. I'll whisper stupid nonsense like, "Let's elope and run off into the sunset" and "Let's proclaim our love by spelling out our names on the front lawn of CVB using seashells". Hahaha.

Yah right. Only if I'm deathly drunk.

But seriously la. Come California. We can go and grope fake breasts together.

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SWOOSH!!! COME BACK FROM ISRAEL!!

It's too dangerous there. Some Jewish person may try for a penis transplant so he'll stop hitting his nose everytime he walks into a wall.

Come back to California so we can hold hands and skip down the paths of SJSU. Of course you'll be working 9-5 or later so we'd have to skip down the paths at night. And bring tasers with us in case you pissed off some Oakland homies. You know, coz I appreciate my anal virginity and all that. Haha.

But seriously, come back to California. The cats in Israel are getting annoyed.

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To be continued because I have a test tomorrow and I dont feel like retaking circuits.

Curiosity murdered the cat viciously after ass raping it multiple times. It then set the cat's carcass on fire and pissed on the ashes.

So I said I was annoyed at DJ Am for not saying thankyou right. Anyway, he continued to mock me by signing in and out repeatedly so I sent him a message saying, "I think msn hates you." And only after initiating the conversation the he says oh thanks. Wtf.

Ok nevermind. After that I still talk to him normally and being his usual rude self, he halfway during the convo doesnt reply. Damn rude right.

I really think he either finds me too young and annoying if not he just wanted to use me for digging information. Too much wei.

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During the first semester, I didnt want to take too many classes. It was rather tough settling in and trying to get driven when I didnt know if I would be transferring out or not. I think I did ok considering the circumstances.

I was so stressed trying to sign up for classes. Since I arrived too late for the online sign up date, I ran around and begged everyone for and add code to join the class. That was another thing that pissed me off. Why do you let new students coming in from OVERSEAS be in such a difficult position for their first semester?

For my English class, I had to con this guy out of his add code. I pretty much haunted EVERY single section I could go to. It was really important to get into English because you have to finish this series of English 1A, 1B, WST and 100W to get into a bunch of upper division courses. And not getting into it for one semester means that you're delaying your graduation by a semester.

My then roomate and I went for this Saturday section of class hoping to get in together. We went in and sat down and the teacher was really nice. And the whole time I'm thinking, "Oh my god please let me get in." Anyway, the teacher asks who wants to get in and like half the class is trying to add. Ridiculous. He says that he has to give priority to seniors first and I kick up a huge fuss. I tell my international student sob story. I bitch. I refuse to let him give out add codes on seniority. Finally, he decides to draw lots. And my roomate got in but I didnt. And this girl who's doing her last semester also doesnt get in. She says some crap like, "If anyone pities me, please give me the add code." And walks out.

Bullshit. Its her own stupid fault for not planning her degree properly. How the fuck did she make it to be a senior without her English 1B anyway? I really hate this policy of add codes based on seniority. It should be given out based on how hard you worked for it. How hard you chased it. Because I tried fucking hard for every add code ok. I email, I get on waitlists months in advance, I do everything. And then you get my spot just coz you have bad planning? Bullshit.

Anyway, when my roomate got the add code and I didnt, I was seriously holding back tears all the way back to my room. I'm the one who fought for the drawn lots. She just sat there. And I had been trying for codes all week long. I thought that that was my last shot at getting in. When I got back to my room, I seriously slammed the door shut and cried like a baby. I was so frustrated.

In hindsight it was a good thing, because I got into a class at a much better time. The teacher also liked me a lot more. At least I wouldnt have to be taught by a teacher who I argued with on the first meeting.

For that good time slot, I was lucky to get the code. I struck up a conversation with the guy next to me before the class. He told me that he had already gotten in to a class but it was early in the morning. And he works the graveyard shift so he'd have been so tired. Later, the teacher only had room for 3 and he said ok first 3 get it. And I was fourth to walk in the class. Really bad luck. But the guy I spoke to was nice enough to take pity on me and give me his spot.

Sometimes life is a funny thing. You dont think that speaking to a stranger is gona impact your life so much but then it does.

The rest of the add codes I got came a lot more easily. I got the dance add code, no problem. She enrolled everyone there. The dynamics add code, I was fucking kiasu and squeezed under somebody's armpit in order to get in front and snatch the code. For materials, also wormed my way under people's arms and got smacked by some backpacks. For fluids, he pretty much enrolled everyone. Mechanics of materials, also a piece of cake.

This add code experience, it did teach me something. It really taught me how to go after something and throw in 100%. Be persistent, dont take no for an answer. If you want it, you will get it.

But that walk from the Saturday English class back home was seriously one fucking long walk I never wana do again.

If there's any trait I like in a guy, its broad shoulders. In proportionla of course.

Anyway, last time, I talked about the romantic relationship I had in America just to get it out of the way. So I can go back to going through things chronologically.

When I went for the orientation, I pictured it to be something like the Australian orientation. I was obviously mistaken.

Australian orientation = tons of games and activities to help you get to know people.

American orientation = taking your passport and I-20 to photocopy and then giving you a bohliao speech on American sensitivities. Like, dont ask a woman when she's gona have kids. Dont make jokes like, "At least 9/11 helped with New York's overcrowding problem." Arrive on time. Because only Americans know how to arrive punctually right? Whats the correct response to "Whats up"

And then after telling you all these inane bullshit then kthnxbye. Wtf? 

The thing about studying in Australia is that they have such a high international student population. So they've had practice in dealing with them. And they need international student money so they try to do things to cater to their special needs. But in American public schools, they either dont need our money or it never occured to them that our money is useful. So they dont care about you. Sink or swim is your own problem.

Then I went for advising at the CE office and the advising was again, not really advising. The guy is just like so what you want to take? Ah ok, here's the 4 year outline, go figure it out. So I went to figure it out. Later, I found out that for mechanical engineering, the advisors really hold your hand and walk you through it. I'm just going to comfort myself and say that the mechanical engineers need the help coz they're dumber. Haha. Aiyah just let me lie to myself ok.

During the whole advising thing, I discovered that there seemed to be some problem with our transfer units. And since nobody knew what to do with international transfer students. And since the only person who did know it was on like, year long sabbatical to take care of her newly born baby.  My batch was screwed.

The rest of the semester was filled with meeting a million and one people at all different levels of university management. We went all the way up to the level of Provost and Ombudsman trying to figure out this stupid problem. Met all kinds of stupid bitches.

Some woman thought that because Taylor's wasnt on a list of Malaysian government universities, it means that Taylor's is not accredited. Then they were like, oh this book doesnt have Taylor's in it when the book was published in 1984. And then when I pointed that out then they said why didnt your education ministry send us the new book. Like Malaysian education board damn efficient and free like that.

My roomate was like, wtf is wrong with them. If they ask some Indian fella about their Board of Education the what? You cant even find it in India.

They dont accept LAN as accreditation board. They only want Ministiry of Education letter. But its dumb since Ministry of Education doesnt give out accreditation. And they're having double standards since America doesnt have a board of educaton. How will they feel if like, UM says YOUR SCHOOL IS NOT ACCREDITED. GIVE ME LETTER FROM AMERICAN MINISTRY OF EDUCATION. And then refuses to believe that it doesnt exist.

I could seriously write a book on the multilevels of stupidity I encountered. But I really dont want to recap the whole experience since it was not a good one.

Basically, there was this BIG hoohah within the administrative levels. One of the employees quit on account of this matter. I think my name became quite infamous for awhile in the offices. There were tons of meetings and showdowns held. And again, really I was the main person among my batch kicking up a fuss and insisting on emailing like every single head in the university to tell them how fucked up they were.

In the end, the maternity leave woman came back. I dont know why you need ONE YEAR LEAVE. Like what the fuck you giving birth to your baby sideways so you need time for your vagina to grow back or something? Anyway, when she came back, all my units went through. And it was quite quick. When push came to shove and I needed it through ...NOW...I got it in a week. And managed to file for graduation.

Anyway, the whole experience taught me a lesson about "American efficiency".

They are not efficient.

They are inefficient not in the same way Malaysia is inefficient. Malaysians are inefficient because government employees insist on having 23432423987492387 tea breaks in one day. And their tea breaks are long enough for them to eat a curry puff and have it pass through their digestive system. Americans are inefficient because they surround everything in huge piles of red tape.

Example. Only some people can access  records because of some privacy act. So you have to go and get someone who can access records or get written permission from the person. Then because there are so many rules, some get forgotten. Then there are deviations. And sometimes the rule is too sweeping and shouldnt apply to some special cases like international transfer students. But then they cant do anythign because the rule says so. And to get an overide you have to talk to 123829372987498 people.

Also coz they're damn dumb about anything that happens or goes on outside America/North American soil.

In a way I prefer Malaysian inefficiency. Because you can always bang table and threaten someone into performing for you. But for American inefficiency, you cant really do anything. Because you're asking them to break a rule for you. So you must cajole and smile and act nice while fantasizing about drowning them in a tub of Clorox. Also coz in Malaysia I can always just slip 50 bucks under the table.

But every country has its problems. And obviously the devil you know is better than the devil you dont.

I also realised that America, famous for its meritocracy, is not that meritocratic after all.

There are complaints about affirmative action keeping out Asians from top schools to admit more blacks and hispanics. A lot of opportunities are only open to Americans. If you're not American and dont have a SSN, you cant really do anything. I cant rent a house easily because I have no credit history and no SSN. I cant apply for credit card. I cant do something as simple as get a phone plan. I cant use online banking for Washington Mutual. I cant get a loan. Get university job also difficult because you have to take some class for it. And residents dont have to pay extra but I do. So obviously I wont take it right. And then which employer wants to hire someone who's references are difficult to check. Difficult to document. Qualifications and claims of activities arent verifiable or even vaguely familiar.

Everyone knows that if you're an international student, you not only have to be good. You have to be ten times better than the best local applicant because you're ten times more troublesome to hire. So its not meritocratic. It's unofficial NEP for the majority nationality.

But despite this unofficial NEP, I still get more opportunities as a 13434324 class person in America than as a 2nd class citizen in malaysia.

When I first realised all these things, I felt very bitter.

I come all the way to America because of the promises of the American dream, equality, meritocracy, the promise of reward in exchange for talent. They keep talking about how America opens her arms to welcome the tired immigrant. But actually they're just as scared as everyone else of the competition. They are also trying desperately to shut down their borders. They may not come out and openly ask you to go home and stop stealing their jobs. They will deny that they dont want you here. They themselves believe that they can accept talented immigrants and can handle the competition.

Their rules, legislature and societal structure says different. And they blissfully refuse to see that. Why? Because they wana feel good about being politically correct. It's ingrained in their civil religion to take the moral high ground while doing the opposite behind Senate's closed doors. Then they can say, oh I didnt vote for that. I'm pro free trade in every sense.

Really, I think every international student knows the truth.

This is the second time I'm writing this. I'm supposed to be studying but the more I have to study the sleepier I feel and I feel like I have to retype this entry now or Blogdrive would have defeated me.

Anyway, I dont know why MSN has to mock me. DJ Am has to keep signing in and out when I'm online. And everytime his msn thing that contains his passport photo pops up, I have to flip off his photo. And then his name starts with one of the earlier letters in the alphabet. So everytime I want to open msn to message someone and I see his name I have to flip him off again. My neighbour must be wondering why the fuck am I brandishing my middle finger at my laptop. Time to draw the curtains.

This Dimsum guy is seriously the freakiest person I've ever had the mispleasure of meeting.

I first met dimsum at this engineering open house thing. Basically prospective students come to the engineering department and current students show them how awesome their department is. And obviously civil engineering loses out to all the other engineerings. Not coz we're not as awesome. But what projects are we supposed to show off la. Some stupid bridge made out of lollipop sticks and a computer model of a dam? While the robotics department has some stupid dancing robot that can vaccuum and sing Broadway showtunes while simultaneously pleasuring you.

Anyway, digressed already. So since we are all volunteers at the event, obviously we all talk to each other right. And so I met Dimsum. And got to know Swoosh, but we're focusing on Dimsum here. Coz he's the freaky weirdo. At first Dimsum seemed normal. A bit shy and a bit awkward but in a rather endearing way. Admittedly he had this strange fixation for showing me the ASCE concrete canoe. I mean yeah ok the concrete canoe is cool and all. But its a group effort not his own personal pride and joy. But when he talked about it and showed it off it looked like he was gona ejaculate just from thinking about it.

Ok that one still nevermind. It's nice to have friends from your major so I shall excuse his concrete canoe fettish.

At first I still layan him and talk to him onine. But seriously I talk to everyone I know damn a lot online. I got no qualms about intruding on people's computer time. Anyway, he always talks like he has low self esteem. He's 21 years old and still a virgin, never had a real girlfriend, acts so weird. So ok fine, I give him a compliment. I said..." You shouldnt think that all the girls wont like you. You have quite a nice body."

Omg. Started la. After that it was a fucking sprint downhill towards the finish line of having to get a restraining order.

Not long after I said that, he asked if I was leading him on. Wtf. So every girl who compliments you who has a bf is leading you on? Apparently in the past some girl who had a bf was all nice to him and then when he tried something on her she was like "I just liked the attention." So he's doomed every other girl who's nice to him of being accused of trying to sneak her way into his oversized trousers. And then some other girl, he went out with her for awhile but apparently she was too quiet. He was complaining that after he kissed her, he's ask her like, "How was the kiss?" and she'd just keep quiet.

What the fuck la. If some guy asked me how was the kiss I'd just give him some weird look, get up and fuck off somewhere. The girl wasnt quiet la. She was dumbfucked into silence.

I kinda pity the guy also. I mean he has like no friends. He acts so weird. His idea of dancing in a club is standing still in one spot with his hands on a girls arms and jacking them off while bending his knees in sync to the jacking off. To get an image of his dancing, just glue a spring to the floor, pull the spring, and release. He studies day and night. Like he gets up at 8 something and goes to class. Studies in between class. Goes home at 10 something riding his kid sized yellow bicycle. Does this even on weekends. And then gets the shitty GPA of 2.7. And hello, he rides a small yellow bicyle. How the fuck to kao lui in a small bicycle. I dont even know if thats the only thing of his that's small. I wouldnt be surprised.

Anyway, I seriously think no one ever complimented him in his life before. Because he got fucking obsessed about the one compliment I gave him. He kept asking me stupid shit like, list all the things girls would like about him. Talking about how he's gona go to a club and get so much action since apparently I think he's hot. And how I should go there and dance around him so that other girls will think he's hot and will wana dance with him.

WTF. Hello. I'm a civil engineering student and you want me to go be your back up dancer ar. Stupid fuck.

And then ar...and then ar.. one time we took him out clubbing with usla. And that's when he demonstrated his dance move of jacking off arms. Anyway, he stayed over at my place coz his place was too far away to cycle back at like 4am. And online, he asked me what I would do if he took off his shirt in front of me. I jokingly said oh I'll scream like BSB fan. Coz you know I always talk crap.

And the fucker took me seriously.

We all came back and I was nicely talking to Swoosh, and then Dimsum had to slloooowwwllyyyy take off his shirt and pose there for awhile looking at me expectantly. I already knewla what the fucker was doing but I decided to conveniently ignore him and concentrate on staring at Swoosh's nose. And after other people left, he had to say la, "Hey tilia, I took off my shirt in front of you on purpose."

OMFG WEI.

Then online he was like, "Hey you didnt scream like you promised." Wtf. Luckily  I didnt jokingly say I would orgasm on the spot or something. If not he'd be asking me why I'm not clutching the sofa in sheer ecstasy at the sight of his nipples.

Ok that one still nevermind. He used to live quite far away from me. Like have to take train for a few stations to get here kind. But then unfortunately next semester he's gona move to a place thats like 3 minutes walk away from me. And the fucker nicely keeps reminding me of it. Every 3 seconds he will randomly message me and say, "Imma be over a lot next semester." Like..DID I INVITE YOU?

So generally our conversations have been him messaging me with some inane comment like... I typed out a proposal on MS word today. I did Autocad today. Like who the fuck cares. Oh I wiped my ass today. I took a big dump today. I pulled back the foreskin on my dick to clean off the secretions today. And usually I just give the msn version of a generic monosyllabic response.

Then yesterday he had to ask me out on a date.

Aiyoh. I know I'm bitching about him here but I still dont want to hurt his feelings. Partly because i'm not so mean. And partly because his self esteem is so low I feel like if I hurt him, he's gona pull a Cho Seung-Hui (however you spell his name) and shoot up my school or something. So I pussy footed around the request and said like oh in Malaysia go out on a date means you just like go yamcha or something. Actually in Malaysia you also wont know if you're on a date or not unless the chemistry is stifling and he keeps trying to meraba-raba you. Which generally malaysian men are too chicken to do.

Then the fucker smartly had to sayla, oh in America date means you go out one on one and then you kiss or hug at the end or something. Like no I'm not gona kiss or hug you. Get away from me.

Eventually he got the pointla. And he said ok well cant blame a guy for trying. And I thought that was that. I shouldve known better.

Today he asked, WHY DONT YOU WANA GO OUT ON A DATE WITH ME?? Aiyohhhh. What am I supposed to say? I dont want to go out with you coz you're damn weird and you dance like a slinky? I just made up some stupid excuse like I just got out of a relationship so dont want to go out on dates.

Then you know what he said? "I thought you'd like it if I took you out since you think I'm hot and everything." Fuck. I curse the day I ever said anything nice about him. Does he honestly think that I think he's so fucking sexy that I need him to charity take me out for dinner? WHAT THE FUCK. Go die la you stupid slinky dancer.

Later I dont know if he felt slighted or what but he was damn rude. Like he said that oh next time you can help me with my strucutural analysis class. Then me, trying to get out of saying yeah ok since he takes me seriously, said you overestimate my engineering skills. Then he told me that I probably shouldnt be giving tutoring for my frat next sem then. Wtf. Damn smooth and tactful. It's like the time I commented that they shouldnt ask engineering interns to be able to lift so much weight coz some girls cant do it. And then he said oh (girl who's a college level volleyball player) would do it. Like, so? Do I look like a collegiate athlete to you?

Stupid son of a bitch.

Why do I always get all the fucked up people?

Ok, so continuing my American story...

Part 1

Part 2

With added links on the side..I dont know why I bother but to make it easier to dig out posts that the blog was originally created for among the mess of emoness.

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So when I broke up with my boyfriend in Malaysia, it was the ultimate drama. I broke up with him basically because he was this super control freak. I mean, he's younger than me, dumber than me, probably not as hot as me, and he wants to tell me what to do. Yeah right.

Anyway, I dumped the obsessive compulsive freak of nature (I told you I attract weirdos) and he responded with a series of fucked up msn messages. They're so fucked up I almost wish that windows live messenger started earlier so I'd be able to copy and paste the conversation. He said that he started smoking and started on Dunhil Reds. Then he said that he wore black shirts everyday coz he feels like someone died. And when I pointed out that he didnt have that many black shirts, he said that he just wore the same one over and over again. Yuck. And then he said that he read the future in his tea leaves and his future is bleak. And so is mine.

Dramaticness. BLEAK FUTURE I TELL YOU!!!!

Whatever.

Leading up to this breakup, I was getting more into my classes and meeting more people. One of the big issues he had was with me taking salsa class. He watched that movie Along Came Polly that had a hot salsa scene and somehow he thought that beginners salsa would be that hot. Yah right. I think it was more about not getting my size 5 foot crushed by a black guy's size 18 foot. He was also really REALLY paranoid about one of the penis flashers who was my neighbour.

This penis flasher was the first guy I met in America. When I got to the dorms the first night, I went out to go to the bathroom. There's a full length mirror in the hall and I saw this tall, big sized white guy standing in front of it wearing nothing but a business jacket and boxers. And he was admiring himself in the mirror. When he saw me, he was so startled and I just tried not to laugh as I rushed into the toilet.

Later, he knocked on the door and introduced himself. Turns out he thought he was alone on the floor and he became my tour guide for the next few weeks. So crazy, insane, batshit ex got all paranoid and jealous and freaked out like a mother fucker so bye bye crazy batshit ex. This penis flasher is a lot easier on the eyes than the Malaysian penis flasher though. Since he has more to flash. Haha.

Btw, never ask American penis flasher if walking somewhere is possible. Because he will always say yes no matter how far it is and then grab his shoes and a map and start walking. Learnt this the hard way when he said it was perfectly possible to walk to Walmart and then took me on a 40 minute hike there.

But yeah, to be perfectly honest, I broke up with batshit ex for Sushi. And now that I think about it, that was damn dumb. I mean, I just got to America not too long ago. Sushi was my freaking neighbour. And I'm hooking up with him and diving into a serious relationship blind? That was damn dumb. And now I realise that I barely knew him at all.

It's kind of a shame that Sushi was such a big part of my American life because I really dont want to talk about him. Not because I'm so heartbroken or whatever but because he's becoming increasingly assholic as the days go by.

Well, to summarise, from the time I met him until the time I left for summer, the relationship actually went very well and we were very close. Because we lived next to each other and saw each other so frequently, the relationship progressed very quickly. It was like 2 year's worth of relationship crammed into 4 months. Not a good thing. But it wasnt all my doing. He rushed it more than I did. And he was pressuring me to rush it for some reason.

And until now I really dont know why he was rushing it so much. He's also a very needy person and he's all like I'M READY TO COMMIT. I KNOW I CAN DO THIS. OK that's all fine and dandy but what made him so sure I felt the same? And he was so convinced that he's done playing around and he wants to settle down. Please, he's 21. I dont know why America is regressing into 3rd world country behaviour of marrying early.

At first it was kinda nice meeting his family and all. I mean, I have no relatives there. It's nice to have homecooked meals and have someone's mom fuss over you and have somewhere to go for the holidays. I know this coming holidays I'm gona be stoning by myself in the apartment. And obviously his being American means he's gona have more friends than I do in the first few months that I'm there. (That soon changed though). And I also cannot survive just chilling by myself. I dont have to have BOYFRIEND. But I cannot sit by myself. So his helping me get inducted into American life was appealing.

So after he came to Malaysia to visit, I started to really SEE how he didnt fit in here. And in turn, reflected on how he didnt fit me. The thing that really irritated me was how he tried too hard to pretend like he was so comfortable here and could accept everything here. Ok maybe he wasnt pretending. But I couldnt accept that he wasnt pretending. And he kept saying things like he has no problem moving to Malaysia and stuff like that. I felt like he was belittling my dilemma about where I wana spend the rest of my life. Like he didnt get how big a deal all this studying overseas and moving to a new country really was. And so I started to get this bitter taste in my mouth about him.

This bitter taste kept getting more bitter as the days went on. I mean, he loved me more than I ever cared for me at any point so I tried to make an effort to ignore it. But little things were grating on my nerves. And then one day...

He's the kind of person who always has to act macho. He complains that when I have issues I never go to cry on his shoulder. He tries to flex his nonexistent muscles and hope that I'll admire them. He tries so hard to show off anything he can possbly show off. He tries to act all gangster like a fucking dai yi long and carry around some switchblade like thats gona do anything if someone really wants to attack you with a gun (not unlikely in the states). He's so possesive he has to like hold me wherever I go. He doesnt trust that I can go swimming without getting raped in the changing room. He tries to be the defender or the hero. Or at least pretend to be the hero.

But when there came the chance for him to really be the hero, he decided that he would be a coward. And that was a big fat breaking point.

Oh of course I said that I forgave him and I said that it didnt matter and tried to forget about it. But I didnt. He continued to try to act macho and I continued to get annoyed at him. And really everyone could see his clinginess. And if there's anything I hate, its a clingy guy.

He also always tries to act like he's freaking smart and so accomplished. But my GPA is like double his. And when he kept fucking up his studies, I got really really irritated. All this nonsense had seriously chipped away at my patience enough. I knew it was time to end it but I didnt know how and when to end it. So I went to Bitch for advice since she was all tight with him and all that crap. And she was the one advising me to end it or whatever before I left America.

Turns out she's a two faced bitch and went and  told Sushi everything bad I said about him and then he also told her everything bad I said about her. And so the relationship with Sushi ended. And now my friendship with Bitch has ended. And they're probably off fucking in some field somewhere while Bitch mentally makes plans to go dress in white tudung and pray for forgiveness or some crap like that. Go recite surah with her "little child genius niece".

And thats the story of my romantic relationships while I was in America. Penis flasher isnt counted.

The penis flasher strikes again

Anyway, my dad said in relation to my series of failed relationships yesterday..

YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER YOU KNOW!!!

Oh gee thanks for reminding me. -_-

Btw, DJ Am is so rude. He asked me to get him the prospectuses from the education fair so I did. And I went to the office today so I put it on his table. And you would think that when someone does you a favour and everything you would call and say thanks. Or msg and say thanks. Or send msn msg and say thanks. But nooo.. gay bitch and a half. Not like I know him so well that its not necessary to thank me.

Rude people annoy me.

At least MashiMaro is actually interested in talking to me and doesnt expect anything in return.

And as freaky as Dimsum is, at least he really wants to go out with me and isnt scouting around for some kind of favour. Ok he's scouting around for sexual favours. But thats besides the point. I get to file a police report if he actively seeks sexual favours. I dont get to file a police report on people looking for weird entryways to America.

Fuck it. I'm gona go play some yahoo game that involves pretending I have an inane job like waitressing or working at a factory that somehow becomes fun when I use a mouse to do it.